February has been a tough month. It’s been exciting; I started a new job, turned 20 and got very drunk to celebrate, but it’s really been tough. I’ve been experiencing some nasty mood swings and horrible feelings of depression throughout this month, really unpleasant feelings which totally come from nowhere and can’t be explained as I know they don’t come from inside me.
I don’t know if I have depression. I don’t think I experience these feelings enough to say that I actually have the condition but I can say that I’ve felt so bad on some days that all motivation, desire to live or appreciation for myself and those around me completely evaporates. It’s like a dark cloud comes over me and blocks any light from shining into my life in those brief periods during my day. It stops me from talking, drains my energy and puts only one thought in my mind – worthless.
Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. It’s like a record stuck on repeat, a pendulum striking over and over again, a heartbeat running through my veins and it’s utterly relentless. And I don’t know how to get rid of it.
Most of the time I just wait for it to pass. Sometimes I can take a nap and it will have lifted by the time I wake, but often I wake up with the same dark feelings. Often, it gets so bad that I have to take it out on stuff around me; I rip things, throw things, kick the wall and scream into my pillow. I physically shake, trying to get out of whatever trap I’ve been locked in. Recently, I’ve just started sobbing. Sobbing, then stopping, then sobbing again.
Writing this post, I realise that I haven’t felt like this in several days. I did cry today, but I cry on most days. I’m an emotional person, and always have been, but this kind of emotion is different to just feeling tearful. It’s like all the feeling has been stripped from you and been replaced with hatred. Just pure, angry hatred at everything in existence.
Right now, I don’t know if it will come back. I imagine that it will, but I want to be prepared for it. There is no saying how bad it will be or how long it will last. The most important thing for me right now is that I acknowledge it – it’s not me. This isn’t coming from me and it’s not my fault and when I learn to accept that, maybe I will be able to control its power over me.
Well, this has been sufficiently morbid and upsetting.
Til’ next time, folks