Okay, so I’m a month late. Shoot me. I just had things to do, like eating. The point is, that I’m back, it’s 2016, and it’s less than a month until I turn twenty and leave the wistful bliss of teenager-hood behind. I always used to think, as everybody does, that by the time I was twenty I would have my life sorted out. And if I’m honest, I think I have the basic elements in place. I’m studying a degree I love, I have a boyfriend who I love, I’m starting a new job and I can cook vegetarian chili off by heart.
It’s easy, when you’re in a good mood, to look at your life and feel happy. That’s when you notice all the good things you have and everything positive that surrounds you and you are able to feel grateful. Of course, within a few days, I could be crumbling under the pressure of university work, hating my job and angry at my boyfriend because of a drunken mistake. But if I dwell over what could happen, then there’s no point in anything being good at any time, because you’ll never appreciate how good it really is.
This leads me to my New Years resolutions. I have a few boring ones, like trying to learn to cook more, developing characters and plot for a book and getting good grades in my assignments, but there is one thing which I have decided needs to be addressed. I need to stop putting pressure on myself. Countless times I’ve said to myself, “Lois, if you don’t go to this social event, you’ll be a failure. Nobody will like you.” Then, another version of me will say, “But if you do go, you’ll probably say something stupid and everyone will laugh or people will think you’re fat and will make fun of you afterwards or people will find you annoying and will groan whenever they see you approaching.”
Now I realise, there is never going to be one way of doing things which will make myself feel better. If I don’t want to go to something, or I don’t want to wear something, I don’t have to. I don’t have to be friends with people who make me feel bad about myself, or express a certain opinion just because other people feel it too. It’s alright to be your own person – in fact, it’s quite wonderful to be your own person. Living inside your mind is more exciting than you think. Shelves and beds become cliffs and bridges; strangers on the street become 1920s gangsters and inventors and artists; buses become black holes into which people’s paths of life are sucked and transported and spat out along the way. Nobody else sees the world in the way that you see it, so why should you change the way you see it to match theirs?
I think in today’s society we are told that the way we are is not good enough. The way that we think or the way we process ideas or our creative output which we express through our music taste or our fashion or our hobbies is not right and needs to be changed.
My New Year’s Resolution is to be happy within myself. To be content with who I am and the desires of my own heart and to use them to make my own world a better place.